my phone needs a breathalizer
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
