walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize