The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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