Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
