We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
