dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize