I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
