I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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