if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
