I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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