Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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