My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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