I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
is it fun? or sober?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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