His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
