I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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