Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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