question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
