ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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