just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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