So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
