So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize