Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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