this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
