I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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