i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
