i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Randomize