i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
