I feel like I'm in dance class right now
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
