Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
