i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
