This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
