We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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