You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
