I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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