i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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