The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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