Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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