If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize