Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
