Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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