So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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