apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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