We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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