At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
a search helicopter?!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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