mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I came so hard my ears popped.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
