i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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