Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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