every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
