this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
