I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
