He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
