Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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