I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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