I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
