My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This house was built for laser tag.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's get the cat blown out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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