I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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