K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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