Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
